Who in The Hell Left The Gate Open?

The Ten Commandments

1. I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

3. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.

4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.

So I got up this morning and read the comments of those who commented on the homosexuality blog. I noted the very different point of views. So of course I had to play on such strong differences in opinion. We have not had much religious discussion, yet it is such a passionate topic.

One blogger said

"If I choose to engage in premarital sex, adultery, or other immoral or illegal acts, it is a sin. So, this sin does not out weigh the others".

Another blogger said something similar as the first

"a sin is a sin is a sin."

Another blogger said

"I do not think it's a path to hell. I believe God loves all his children....unconditionally and it is man who places boundaries on letting people be themselves for control or just out of a lack of understanding."

My grandmother used to say that you commit adultery if you remarry and your first spouse is not dead. Many churches believe alcohol consumption is a sin. Some folks think you should not even wash clothes on Sunday, because the commandments says that it is the Sabbath and we should keep it holy. I do think that man has added their own "sins" to modern day religion; however, I do believe the ten commandments are valid words of God. I do believe God gave them to Moses on Mt. Sinai.

So weigh in... is a sin is a sin is a sin? Do they all carry the same weight? If you don't think you will go to hell for some sin, which ones are doom for you? Is there anything you believe to be a sin that is not specifically written in the ten commandments?

Sickness in Sodom and Gomorrah

I am sitting here watching the new season of the Real World. Denver, that's where they are. There is a super religious black guy and a very southern-baptist homosexual white guy on here, and they are roommates. They have agreed to disagree on homosexuality. Homosexuality, that's something we have not ever really talked about. The black guy's point is that homosexuality is wrong, that homosexualtiy is a straight path to hell. The white guy argues that the Bible is man's interpretation of God's word and that he should not be punished for something he has no control over.

I am from Virginia, the Old Dominion state, the land of right wing conservatives. This past November in Virginia, same sex marriage was on the ballot. Something I never thought would ever be a people's choice option in that state. The body voted to ban same-sex marriages, defining a marriage as a union between a man and a woman. My question is, is marriage not just a legal union for homosexuals or is it a bond they want recognized by the church as well? Is it that these people just want legal right to assets upon death or separation from their partners?

In my hometown there are speculations of homosexual preachers and homosexual congregations. To me this is paradoxal. Churches are places for the sick to be cured. In my opinion, church is not a place to embrace the wrongdoings. But who am I to say that homosexualtiy is wrong? I am certainly not the end all. What if this is something they can't control. What if it is a sickness just like depression or a chemical imbalance.

So weigh in...is homosexuality a choice? Do you think it is a path straight to hell? Should the same sex marriages be allowed?

The Human Stain...

Fill me with your joy so new
So I can show my love for You
This joy I have is real and true
For all my sins are washed away
Yes all my sins are washed away

The pain I felt so deep inside
The tears I could no longer hide
There's joy now cause' You're by my side
Yes all my sins are washed away
Yes all my sins are washed away

Washed away
Gone astray

For all my sins are washed away
Yes all my sins are washed away

- Kirk Franklin "Washed Away"

We all have stains. Things in our life that cannot be washed away. Or at least washed away with Tide or Cheer or Woolite. Nothing with bleach alternative can rinse us of.

I just found out that a friend of mine from college is now the Pastor of a church. A leader, a spiritual leader for a flock. And even though I hate to admit it, the first thing I thought of was how he used to flirt and chase women and party hard. How in the hell could he direct someone to Christ? Then I thought of my husband's friend, who now lives for the Lord. The same person who after a near death experience smoked weed through a trachea in his windpipe. At the time I thought he should be praising the Lord for being alive he was acting like it was not a privilege just to be here. But now...he leads to Christ as well. Sad to say the first thing I thought of when I heard about the new plights of both of these guys was "Who in the hell left the gate open?"

I have done many things I am too ashamed to admit, both now and when I was younger. I have run with the wild bunch. Been a "fast ass". Hung with the hoods. "Smoke, drink, and dance the hoochie-coo", that's what the old folks would say. Does that mean that I can't be a good wife now? Can I not be a great mother? Am I not a role model? Christ says if I repent today, my yesterday is non-existent. I will be reborn. Can my resurrection not start now?

Timing for awakeness is not always up to us. Shouldn't I have wanted to be a better person and live right when he spared the life of my daughter? Or maybe when he took my grandparents ten days apart? Why now do I wanna be a better person?

Truth is, Christ can know my heart, my changes, my new life, but humanity will turn a blind eye to my neo persona. Why is it that humans are so judgmental about a past? Will OJ always be the killer? Will Michael Jackson always be the pedophile? Will Tookie Williams always be the murderous gang banger? Will I always be Candee?

So weigh in...why is it that we can never let go of a person's past? What makes us better? After all isn't a Saint a sinner who fell down and got back up again?

Dreams in Bitter-Sweet

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

- John Mayer "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

This has been a Seattle weekend here in Raleigh. Its cool, its cloudy, its rainy. A day when I should be outside, I am in, looking at the fog and rain outside. Last night I had a dream, it was a good dream. I dreamt that it was a Friday afternoon and I was sitting with my grandparents. We were having dinner. Fried fish and fried potatoes. After dinner we sat in the den and watched tv. My granmother called me into her bedroom and sat me down in the chair by the door, she said to me, "Candee, if anything should ever happen to me, make sure you come in here and get this envelope. There is money in here and I don't want anyone to get to before you do." She hugged me, and then I woke up.

Nothing in this dream is unusual, it was just like everyday life... My grandmother showed me where that envelope was a million times. And each time she told me the same thing. "If something should happen to me..." I never thought anything would ever happen to her, she was invincible. Heart Bypass...breast cancer, galdbladder removed... None of that stopped her. She has been gone two and a half years now. And I have had that dream at least 10 ten times since they have been gone.

I was incredibly close to my granparents, my dad being an only child, me being an only child, losing them was something I thought I would never recover from. My grandfather passed March 21, 2004. My grandmother passed 10 days after that on March 31, 2004. A set of grandparents gone in less than two weeks.

Back to my topic...dreams. So I am inside, because of the rain, listening to my new favorite...John Mayer (damn Dave Chappelle was on to it so long ago). And he has this song about dreams. It says "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up can be the hardest part." I never knew how true that was until today, until after that dream last night. Whether you have lost a realtive or a special friend to death. Or maybe a lover to a relationship that just didn't make it. Dreams are beautiful, happy memories. Dreams can be so life-like. Joyous times with that person you miss the most. Until they are over. Until you awake to emptiness.

Bitter-sweet. She's gone, He's gone. After you awake, John Mayer says "You roll outta bed and down on your knees, and for the moment you can hardly breathe, wondering was she really here". I can tell you of several dreams I have awaken from wondering if they were real, wondering if I call my grandparent's house, would one of them answer for their baby girl one last time.

So weigh in...dreams. Bitter-sweet instances? Visitations to let you know you will survive? A way to hold on to the ones we love once they are gone? Whether they have passed or the relationship has passed. What are these types of dreams to you?

If It Isn't Love?

I know this is a rarity, but yes...I am writing two blogs in one night. One for me, one for "the needy". I don't know why people think I have the answers, I don't know why people think I am wise beyond my years. I am just as unexperienced and clueless in the ways of the world as the next person. Maybe its just that they want your advice. Maybe its you that's wise. So on with it.

I dont love her
I tried to tell myself
But you can see it in my eyes
So dont deny
I cant fool no one else
The truth is in the tears I cry cause

If it isnt love
Why do I feel this way
Why does she stay on my mind
If it isnt love
Why does it hurt so bad
Make me feel so sad inside
Of it isnt love

I told her Id never fall in love
But now I know better

New Edition - "If It Isn't Love"

Is it in the way he kisses me? Is it that he called to ask me if I wanted something to eat on his way to see me? Maybe its the way he unconsciously holds my hand. I do wake up in the middle of the night and he has me snuggled close, he's holding me. Maybe that's it. How will in the world am I ever supposed to know how much he cares? I may never know, but it is clearly evident that I think I love him.

How do any of us know when we cross that threshold from deep infacutation to love? So many of my friends are in these "new" realtionships. They are getting to that point of confusion.

So here is when I think it happens. I think it happens when you cannot keep him off your mind. No matter what you do, you are thinking of him. Whether its been an hour or a year, is he still on your mind? It doesn't matter if she is near or a long distance love, somehow you think her touch was just on your lips. Or what about this...have you ever been working and just stopped because thoughts of him overwhelmed your mind? You smile and try to go on working, but you have to stop and call him jut to say hi. That was me. That's how I knew. Thinking of ways to see him, ducking my other commitments. Funny thing is, after all this time, I still do all these things.

Now someone else told me that you know when you are in love when you start doing dumb shit. When you break all your own rules.

So weigh in...when did you know? How do you know when you are in love? What's your experience with the "L" Word? Does it even exist anymore? Is love just a figment of our imagination?

Slow Down, This is Moving Too Fast

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

Whitney Houston - "One Moment In Time"

So its been awhile. I've missed you guys dearly. I've had so much to tell you,so much I wanted to say, just no time to do it. Maternity leave is alot different from working right at 50 hours a week. I thought I left busy season behind when I left public accounting, little did I know.

I have noticed now more than ever, that life is short. It seems like I have been living life on fast forward for the past year. I year ago next month, I became a mother for the second time. My youngest child will be one year old soon. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with my oldest. It felt like just yesterday I was dropping it like it was hot in Elm City to Luke and Two Live Crew. Where does the time go...

Everyday I come home, eat dinner, not cook dinner, because my better half cooked. I got off too late. I have a million things to do, but never get around to doing them because I fall asleep with the baby and get up at 5:25 am. I can't balance my checkbook, watch everything I have DVRed, cook a good meal, or call and catch up with some folks I miss dearly. Where is my life? I guess I could do any of those things right now, but then I would be gone away from you longer.

Of course i have time to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with snacks but here is the sad part...I have to fit Weight Watchers in over a lunch meeting and don't seem to have the 15 minutes to get me jelly ass on my elliptical machine I purchased two months ago.

So weigh in...is it just me, or does time march to a different beat when you get older? Or is it responsibilty that puts it on fast forward? Now I think about it, maybe it is correlated with billing cycles...hhhmmmm. What do you think?

Can I possible borrow some of your time? I have seemed to misplace all of mine.

The Reality Called TV

We are lovers true and through and though
We made it through the storm
I really want you to realize
I really want to put you on
Ive been searchin for someone
To satisfy my every need
Wont you be my inspiration
Be the real love that I need

Real love
Im searchin for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love
Im searchin for a real love

- "Real Love", Mary J . Blige

I have a confession. I am addicted to reality tv. I am one of the Americans who tune in to these shows, laugh and cry with the players, and pray for drama to go down.

Here is a questions for you? Have you seen Flavor of Love? OMG, why in the sam hell would a group of women fight over Flava Flav? Last season every one fell in love with Hoopz, darling Nikki, the actress/model who seemed like the most sane. Publicty for her career? Definitely...The hubby called her out far in advance..."Candee, I think that is the chick in King this month". Now she is being linked to everyone from T.I. to Dwayne Wade (yeah, read that on crunk + disorderly). On the season premier, he dismissed several girls for having their agents send them there to better their career.

So Flav is back for a second year, to find a "real love". Now did anybody happen to see the slim pickings for this year? A ghetto white girl who got her ass whipped over which bed she was sleeping in, a lesbian trying to hook up with other girls, a tattle tale spilling everybody's business, and a big girl that shits herself and the floor...all on the first episode! I have never seen so much multi-colored weave, gel, smoking curling irons and head scarves in all my life. There were times where I couldn't tell if I was watching VH1 or BET Uncut. Women dropping and wobbling, all to impress the Black Chiuaua...Doesn't Flav remind you of the little Taco Bell dog? You quiero hoochie mama. The worst part is, he get it from his mama!

Now for all of you who saw it, I have one question for you. How in the world could Somethin' have shit on the floor? She had to have on a thong to actually have shit a turd on the floor. And that makes it 100 times worse. How can she ever show her face in public again? But she kept it real. "My stomach got me fu*$ed up. I had to go." Now Flav is a good sport, he laughed it off and joked "If someone smells something funky, its me, because I'm the shit." That ho would have gotten the mop and the clorox and went to work on my marble floors.

I wish you the best of luck Flav, I'm rooting for you man. I'll be watching. Why can't I switch the channel? Beacuse we all wanna see folk on tv, more trifling than we are. That why "Cops" became so big. We love to see people at their worst.

Did anyone see that episode? Please Please Please give me some feedback on what you thought. If you didn't, set the DVR for it, Sunday's at 10 pm on VH1. Tell me something else, does this whole circus he has going on kinda leave a blemish on the positive messages Public Enemy construed in the 90s?

What About Your Friends?

Ever since you was a pee-wee, down by my knee with a wee-wee
We been coochie-coo all through school, you and me G
Back in the days we played practical jokes on
everybody smoked with they locs and the yolks on
All through high school, girls by the dozens
Sayin we cousins, knowin that we wasn't
But like the old saying goes
Times goes on, and everybody grows
Grew apart, had to part, went our own ways
You chose the dope gaaaane, my microphone pays
In many ways we were paid in the old days
So far away from the crazies with AK's
And though I been around clowning with the Underground
I'm still down with my homies from the hometown
And if you need, need anything at all
I drop it all for y'all, if my homies call

- 2Pac "If My Homies Call"

I've missed you guys so much...but I have honestly been so busy I can't keep up with my day to day activities. "The Man" has got me hustlin' like Rick Ross. Feel me? My side hustle is just as busy as my 9 to 5, so if you wanna book a Passion Party, get on my calendar now! I've got stuff booked for October already!

There has been so much I wanted to talk about, so many things I wanted your opinion on, but just not enough time to put them on paper. I wish you could guys could update me on how you all have been and what's new in your lives.

So this weekend, I hosted a bachelorette party for a friend of mine from college. It was nice, intimate, we stayed in and had a ball. We were all inseparable in college, but its funny how we have all kinda drifted apart over the years. All of us keep in touch somewhat, but to think 10 years ago, I couldn't go to the bathroom without one of them going with me (no, not literally). But this weekend you would have thought that we saw each other every weekend. We fell into our usually routines, our specific "roles" just like we had in college. We talked and caught up, laughed about college, suckers we dated...nights on the "P" Train..woowoo (ask me offline about this one). The funny thing is, besides the jobs and the families, none of us have changed a bit.

There is still the "reserved" one, there is still the "mother" who continues to teach us things, there is still the "quiet" one(or at least people think she is...boy has she got them fooled), and I am still the party girl who would go crazy if a Luke song were played right now. Our resident chemist and psychologist couldn't join us, but they were with us in spirit.

It made me realize how much I missed my friends, these ladies are some of the best friends I ever had and what a shame to have missed out these past six or so years. One thing for sure, I'll definitely keep better touch now. Not only them, but with several other folks I've missed out on. I think men do a much better job of staying close to the friends they grew up with, my husband has life friends, and I so admire that. His friends are now my life friends too...weird. Does he know my best friends? Could they call and talk to him if they needed to, like I can with NC & DC's Finest or K Hill or Bless? Not likely...

So weigh in...no matter how much we love our friends, why is it that we don't keep in touch like we should? Have you noticed that the people we tend to keep up with are the right here, right now friends. No disrespect to new friends intended, but have you noticed this? The people you see, the people who live close, those are the ones we seem to focus on. Why is that?