How Do You Feel?
I have dated my fair share of men, been in a several relationships, and loved only three people in my lifetime. As you can see, I did not love everyone that I had a relationship with. To be honest, most of them were quite meaningless to me. We had fun, but I really could give a fluck about what they thought about me. Truthfully, the only times I ever cared how someone felt about me, were the times when I was dealing with those three I loved.
I do think that all three of them cared for me too, not necessarily loved me (well I know one of them does....fa sho), but showed some type of deep feeling for me. Each of them had a different way of expressing his feelings. One of them tells me he loves me and goes out of his way to show my by doing nice things for me, one of them spent quality time with me doing absolutely nothing, and the other's feelings were all in his touch. Different people have such different ways of expressing feelings.
I am a vocal person and a physical person. If I love you, I'm going to tell you. You can tell how I touch you, how I kiss you. But I also know I am the last of a dying breed, not many people outwardly express themselves in these ways.
Have you ever wondered why he/she does certain things for you and you just can't understand why? I know I have been guilty of thinking the worst of people. I used to think, "oh he only did XYZ because he wants to do me" or this one, "he came home early today, he must want to go out". Maybe this time there is no reason, maybe he just wanted to do something nice, maybe he just wanted to spend time with you.
There is an interesting book I read. Its called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It basically says that all people express love or intimacy in one of five ways. Chapman also states that a person could use more than one of these ways, but that they are categorized in the expression they use the most. These ways are:
1. Words of Affirmation - tells you "I love you" or compliments you
2. Gifts - buys things for the person they care about
3. Quality Time - spends QT
4. Acts of Service - i.e. cleaning the house, washing the car, fixing things
5. Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, uhh...the "do"
Do you think this is true? Can all expression be fit into one of these five categories? Is there anything you would add?
Woman are so guilty, me included, of needing or expecting outward emotion. Maybe he would rather buy you flowers, massage your aching back, cut your grass, take care of your kids, or stroke you like no other. There are so many forms of expression. So many ways to show you care. My question to you is this, how do you express your feelings? Is it ok to show how much you care even if you never verbalize it or is it something that needs to be heard? I know I said "he" and "him" alot in this post, but I want to hear what the men have to say also. Don't make this gender specific. Tell me what "she" does too.
I do think that all three of them cared for me too, not necessarily loved me (well I know one of them does....fa sho), but showed some type of deep feeling for me. Each of them had a different way of expressing his feelings. One of them tells me he loves me and goes out of his way to show my by doing nice things for me, one of them spent quality time with me doing absolutely nothing, and the other's feelings were all in his touch. Different people have such different ways of expressing feelings.
I am a vocal person and a physical person. If I love you, I'm going to tell you. You can tell how I touch you, how I kiss you. But I also know I am the last of a dying breed, not many people outwardly express themselves in these ways.
Have you ever wondered why he/she does certain things for you and you just can't understand why? I know I have been guilty of thinking the worst of people. I used to think, "oh he only did XYZ because he wants to do me" or this one, "he came home early today, he must want to go out". Maybe this time there is no reason, maybe he just wanted to do something nice, maybe he just wanted to spend time with you.
There is an interesting book I read. Its called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It basically says that all people express love or intimacy in one of five ways. Chapman also states that a person could use more than one of these ways, but that they are categorized in the expression they use the most. These ways are:
1. Words of Affirmation - tells you "I love you" or compliments you
2. Gifts - buys things for the person they care about
3. Quality Time - spends QT
4. Acts of Service - i.e. cleaning the house, washing the car, fixing things
5. Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, uhh...the "do"
Do you think this is true? Can all expression be fit into one of these five categories? Is there anything you would add?
Woman are so guilty, me included, of needing or expecting outward emotion. Maybe he would rather buy you flowers, massage your aching back, cut your grass, take care of your kids, or stroke you like no other. There are so many forms of expression. So many ways to show you care. My question to you is this, how do you express your feelings? Is it ok to show how much you care even if you never verbalize it or is it something that needs to be heard? I know I said "he" and "him" alot in this post, but I want to hear what the men have to say also. Don't make this gender specific. Tell me what "she" does too.
posted by Mz Cane at 1:15 AM
7 Comments:
I express my feelings mostly through Words of Affirmation. I tell him everyday that I love him and compliment how good he looks. Even when I don't actually say I love you he can look into my eyes and see how much I love him. The two other ways that I think are most important are Quality Time and Physical Touch. Whether it's just sitting in bed or on the couch watching tv I enjoy the QT time with him. Nothing more relaxing than just chillin with him (especially after dealing with work and 2 kids all day long). The physical touch doesn't have to be during the act of love making. I think its the times when you know you aren't going to get any when the touch is most special. A hug or kiss when you see them or touching their hand or leg as they drive. I've never been much on receiving gifts or acts of service. I used to give gifts but found that after so many they lost their meaning and I kinda lost the drive to buy. I always thought that I wanted a big bouquet of roses until i finally received one and they died a few days later (and then I saw the bill for the roses and I almost died). I'll take single white rose over a bouquet anyday. No matter how you express your love it needs to be in a way that your partner understands it (I started reading the book but only got past the intro).
As a male that measures just about everything in minutes/hours/days, I believe that for me the true sign of affection is demonstrated by spending quality time. Words don't really mean that much to me cause I have said plenty of stuff that I did not mean but it got me what I needed at that time. Same with gifts and acts of service. I have bought enough bullshit (candy, flowers, outfits, jewelry, etc) in my life to open a Wal-Mart and many times her car was just dirty and needed to be cleaned. I have never really put a lot of stock in physical touch just because. My mama taught me early on that you will not be in love with everybody that you lie down with. Sad but true.
Time is the one thing that you spend everyday but cannot put a pricetag on; you can never get it back once its gone. I truly believe that if a person is willing to give you something that is that priceless and they can never get it back, then they must care. I realize that we all are busy coming and going but if my girl can make time in her day to spend quality time with me, that means more to me than Minnesota Vikings season tickets (almost). :)
Words of affirmation and quality time are the two ways I use the most. But in the past, I have used them all. It depends on the relationship I am in and the type of lady I am with. Different women like different things. Usually, I just express my love in different ways until I get the response from the lady that I am looking for. If I really care about a girl, I write her poetry from time to time detailing special moments we have shared, complimenting her on her beauty, and pretty much just express how much I care about her. But I have found, there is nothing better than quality time, blended with a little physical touch such as relaxing on the couch with her laying across me and I play in her hair or if she had a long day, give her a back massage and kiss her up and down her back while she clears her head by telling me about her day. For myself, I like when my lady wants to spend quality time together. It could be from 10 minutes of her stopping by just see me and say hello to 24 hours of her at my side.
Hi Mz Cane
I'm revisiting because I like the way you think. I like your posts. At a time in my life when I'm re-evaluating almost EVERYTHING about myself, I'm finding your posts are pricking at things I've avoided for a while.
So, this post today... I think it's about language... and the language of the sexes. Women and men think differently and therefore express their feelings and emotions in different ways. I think alot of the time it's important to communicate what you want and also it's important to learn the language of your partner. For example, my ex-partner wasn't great with doing household things or spending QT but when I needed it, he was great with language and touch. It took us a long time but part of demonstrating your love for someone is learning how to grow with them and learning how to adapt your relationship.
:o)
C A D
I read this book a few years ago too and I fall between Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I dated someone who expressed their love thru physical touch, so since that wasn't me, he didn't think I was feeling him. I would give up an entire day to show him that I was into him, but we both were missing it. So now, when I meet people I tell them up front that I don't waste my time and if I feel like things aren't headed in the right direction then I can't spend time with them like that. The reverse is true as well. Since reading that book that is a conversation that I tend to have when I'm dating someone simply because it opens the lines of communication and allows us to get out of our 'own' world and understand the other person. It makes things so much easier when you communicate.
Hmm...good one. I think I'm more Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I'm not one for verbal expression of emotion and frankly hearing it all the time from a guy makes me uncomfortable. I do like QT cause it makes time for the Physical touch ( ah ha ). Unfortunately, my personality has been interpreted as "cold" or impersonal at times. I'm all for self analysis and growth, so I step out of my comfort zone sometimes to say the affirming things. It's just difficult because I don't need or want that kind of expression.
Flowers, Jewelry and Gifts are all great things; but QUALITY TIME is #1 book. Show me you want to spend time with me. That's Amore!
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