The "What-If" Love
Last night, a friend of mine had a request. She sent an email saying "you need to do a blog on first loves & soulmates". Hhhmmmm...a touchy subject for most couples. So I sat and thought about how to approach this, especially since I know my significant is one of my readers. But just like me and my friend and every other person out there, I know he has a "one that got away". So, with that in mind, lets talk openly and candidly. Thanks for putting me out there like this girl, I hope you enjoy seeing me squirm.
The "What-If" Love can be a result of many different situations. The "What-If" could be a first love, a crush we could never approach, a close friend, a married co-worker, or someone who "put it on you". Basically anyone you ever wondered what it would be like if in different circumstances and at a different time or place in life you could be with. If you can't figure out who your "what-if" love is, here is a test for you. Who is the person that you compare everyone else to? That's your "what-if"! There have been many days I sat and wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with LL, Denzel (yeah Malinda, your man...) or even Shemar or Boris. These are unrealistic dreams; however, "George" my high school sweetheart or "Mike" from the gym are very real possibilities.
We all had a person who we felt like we had undeniable chemistry with. An unexplainable pull towards each other that borderlined on dangerous? Isn't it funny that we never seem to find these people or notice these folks until dating them is no longer an option? Either we are in a relationship or they are in a relationship, they have moved far away or in some cases, they have died. Truth of the matter is, very few people end up with their "soulmate". If there is such thing.
For those of us is relationships, it seems these people always seem to possess the characteristics that our mate's lack. I can only speak of my experiences, and just like everyone who reads this, I have a "what-if" love out there too somewhere. He is the total opposite of my significant in each and every way possible. My bad, they both have black hair and nice smiles. But everything else, is night and day. The way they carry themselves, their attitudes, their interests. Is this coincidence? I think not. We as humans always think the grass is greener on the other side, but many times, once we get there, the green grass browns and crab grass replaces it.
Lord, I hope I am not breaking up anyone's happy home, but I challenge you to seize the moment. You are the only one who knows what make you happy and what makes you truly happy. Is it your current or is it your "what-if"? Every hero needs a villain, because if he didn't have one, he wouldn't be a hero, right? Now this is the tricky part....who is the hero and who is the villain in your life? Is your significant other your true knight in shining armor? Or are you waiting for your "what-if" to come rescue you from your current situation? Hhhmmmm.....
Man, this topic is harder than I thought it would be! So now my questions for you. Is there such thing as a soulmate or is this the classic "grass is greener" scenario? How would you handle a second chance with your "what-if" love? Do you think you may be someone's "what-if" and not even know it? Does your "what-if" know you have this crush? Or is it just like that song "Just my Imagination" by the Temptations or "Hey Lover" by LL Cool J, and they do not even know you exist?
The "What-If" Love can be a result of many different situations. The "What-If" could be a first love, a crush we could never approach, a close friend, a married co-worker, or someone who "put it on you". Basically anyone you ever wondered what it would be like if in different circumstances and at a different time or place in life you could be with. If you can't figure out who your "what-if" love is, here is a test for you. Who is the person that you compare everyone else to? That's your "what-if"! There have been many days I sat and wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with LL, Denzel (yeah Malinda, your man...) or even Shemar or Boris. These are unrealistic dreams; however, "George" my high school sweetheart or "Mike" from the gym are very real possibilities.
We all had a person who we felt like we had undeniable chemistry with. An unexplainable pull towards each other that borderlined on dangerous? Isn't it funny that we never seem to find these people or notice these folks until dating them is no longer an option? Either we are in a relationship or they are in a relationship, they have moved far away or in some cases, they have died. Truth of the matter is, very few people end up with their "soulmate". If there is such thing.
For those of us is relationships, it seems these people always seem to possess the characteristics that our mate's lack. I can only speak of my experiences, and just like everyone who reads this, I have a "what-if" love out there too somewhere. He is the total opposite of my significant in each and every way possible. My bad, they both have black hair and nice smiles. But everything else, is night and day. The way they carry themselves, their attitudes, their interests. Is this coincidence? I think not. We as humans always think the grass is greener on the other side, but many times, once we get there, the green grass browns and crab grass replaces it.
Lord, I hope I am not breaking up anyone's happy home, but I challenge you to seize the moment. You are the only one who knows what make you happy and what makes you truly happy. Is it your current or is it your "what-if"? Every hero needs a villain, because if he didn't have one, he wouldn't be a hero, right? Now this is the tricky part....who is the hero and who is the villain in your life? Is your significant other your true knight in shining armor? Or are you waiting for your "what-if" to come rescue you from your current situation? Hhhmmmm.....
Man, this topic is harder than I thought it would be! So now my questions for you. Is there such thing as a soulmate or is this the classic "grass is greener" scenario? How would you handle a second chance with your "what-if" love? Do you think you may be someone's "what-if" and not even know it? Does your "what-if" know you have this crush? Or is it just like that song "Just my Imagination" by the Temptations or "Hey Lover" by LL Cool J, and they do not even know you exist?
posted by Mz Cane at 2:38 AM
14 Comments:
I think there is such think as a soul mate, but a soul mate is not the perfect man/woman or the perfect relationship. We think the ‘grass is greener’ when things in our relationship is not going the way we would like for them to be, but God gives us options some are good and some are bad we have to chose which ones are correct. If I had a second chance at love I know things would be different because I know where I went wrong the first time, but most of the time I wouldn’t want to start over because I would be trying not to do anything wrong and still not have fun in the process. I have crush on some ‘what ifs’ and of course they don’t know or don’t believe me when I tell them because I’m married which is a good thing that way I know I won’t stray lol. I have been told I was a few girl ‘what ifs’ and it is funny to me because a few of them I never knew that they liked me, but you know once you are married people come out like roaches about how they felt about you. Just let me know in the beginning how you felt and maybe you wouldn’t have been a ‘what if’, but a soul mate. I can’t hang with some of my ‘what if’ because I will feel like LL Cool J “It's hard to control myself
You got, you got, you got What it takes to make this boy be bad” I want to be a good boy !
Is there such a thing as a soulmate? HELL YEAH! I've known for many years that my significant other is NOT my soulmate. Even before I knew/accepted who my true soulmate was I knew it wasn't my significant other. My soulmate and I share a special connection. He is the one I think about before I go to bed and is the first person I think about when I wake up. He consumes my dreams at nite and my thoughts during the day. Many people stay in their relationship because it's easy or because of how things look. I'm guilty of that. Is the grass greener on the other side? I am pretty sure that it is and I can't wait to walk on that nice, plush green grass. Especially since I know it is what will make me happy...truly happy. If giving a true opportunity to make a life with my soulmate I wouldn't think twice about taking that chance. I know, I know. You probably think that I am crazy or that I am not realistic. But that's cool. Yall don't know me from Adam. I am not crazy and I think I am pretty realistic about things. I do know that there is a possibility that that grass will not always be green. It may turn brown...the crab grass may grow. But I am willing to take that chance. I know from experience that the grass turns and weeds grow mostly because of neglect. I know that I would give my relationship with my soulmate the attention that it needs and deserves. I know he would do the same. I would rather have a few minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years of happiness than to go thru life being just "ok" with my current relationship.
AMEN TO QUEEN ESTHER!!! I'm right there with you. Given the opportunity to go back and make things right with my "what if" I'd do it in a heartbeat. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. A piece of advice to those who are not with their soulmates an have the opportunity to do it - DO IT!!! I am another one who realizes that my significant other is not my soulmate. I too am guilty of staying in a relationship because it's comfortable and now more so because of our children. My soulmate is in a similar situation. Given the opportunity to be together again (if even just for a moment), we'd both jump at the chance to be blissfully happy together again.
And I thought Desperate Housewives only aired on Sunday nights...
I'm gonna assume the the two anonymous postings were not from the same person. I don't think it's a desparate housewive situation. AND I see no indication that the first anonymous posting is a female. Maybe it's a man who realizes that he is in a similar situation. I too have a child. And yes that is part of the reason I am still there. But I wouldn't stay together JUST for my kid. My happiness is important to me. If I am happy I think that I have a better chance of making my child happy. Kids pick up on your moods...they know if you are unhappy. You can't fake it all the time. Currently my home situation is bearable but I long for the happiness that will come if and when my soulmate and I get together. If my current situation becomes unbearable I would leave in a heartbeat...with my child. Hey, someone should start a support group. Folx who want to leave their current relationship for their soulmate. Maybe one of us will have the courage to do it!
Well, well, well, just when I thought I was the only one here comes queenester. I too am a female married with two children is in an unfulfilling relationship. But I am guilty of just smiling and swallowing the fact that my husband in no way, shape or form satisfies me. I have come close a few times to walking out on him, and running to that one person who lit a fire in me that I never thought I was capable of feeling. But the thought of leaving a perfectly good man who adores me and who is a great father and provider held me back each time. The day my son was born is the day that I stopped making decisions based soley on what I wanted. I now have to make good decisions for my children. I have to be honest in saying I don't want my children growing up as I did in a broken home. I don't want to be just another African American single mother raising two kids even though I am educated and more than capable of doing so. So I lay in my bed at night and watch my husband sleep and I let my dreams take me into the arms of a younger other and that will just have to be good enough for now.
Wow..such emotional response from the ladies! Good topic I suppose. So my question to these ladies is this...Does hubby know that he's not the one? If not, is that fair to him? Speak on it..
Mz Cane - thankyou for your comment yesterday evening on my own page. It made me think. In line with this topic today... I think in some ways you're right...
"We as humans always think the grass is greener on the other side, but many times, once we get there, the green grass browns and crab grass replaces it."
We as human beings are never happy... we are always in search of happiness... when we find it, we're never really sure whether it IS it or not. So consequently we filter our surroundings according to our ideals. In my opinion, we only really appreciate something when it is gone... that is, there may be "what if" loves out there but they are out there for a reason... my girlfriends say "exes are exes for a reason" and the same applies with "what-if" love.. really, we're simply never happy to settle with what we have. When we would get the "what if" love... there'd be another "what-if" love out there too. See..?
Also.. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in being in tune with your significant other but not soul mates. Being in tune isn't about love at first sight or knowing how they feel through some ESP power though. It's about growing with that person, adapting and them adapting too.. not because you have to but because you naturally want to do so... effectively drawing you closer into each other. But having said that... I believe also there are things within people which even in those scenarios put them on self-destruct. It's all about equilibrium. If everything is equal and all is not necessarily good but being dealt with effectively - then the two mates will get along well. If the balance becomes tipped in one or the other's favour... that's when problems arise.
It is the way of nature. Balance. Yin-yang. Give-take. Hot-cold. Light-dark. When things are working equally balanced... things 'work out'.
Oh, and all this wasn't my idea.. was my Grannie's idea who was married to my Grandpa for nigh on 60 years!!
:o)
I'll respond. Yes, I'm the same anonymous from before (not desperate housewives). No, hubby does not know that he's not "the one." I don't think it's fair, but I'd hate to bring it up for fear that I may find out I'm not his "one." I don't think my ego could handle that. Although we've had MORE than our fair share of problems, we have worked through them together and make a wonderful home for our family. Doesn't stop me from fantasizing about how different my life could be.
The concept of a soulmate is relative. You could have thought you were with your soulmate until you met another person and now you think that is your soulmate. It can definitely be a "grass is greener" situation. If you believe in soulmates then you need to hold out for your soulmate and accept nothing less.
I think it is sad that so many people get caught up in thinking that have to get married and have children when they don't really love that person. People are so scared of being alone that they jump into marriage too quickly and then don't want to leave for the sake of the children or finances. You know from the beginning if it's right or wrong. You make the choice so now you have to deal with that choice.
The "what-if" thing can lead to adultery which is shameful and even if you don't physically cheat, you're probably cheating emotionally. If you're not happy, then BOUNCE and start over. Don't bring the possibility of more pain and heartache to the people around you. You're children see it even if you think they don't. Just because you stay doesn't mean your home isn't already broken. If you choose to stay, suck it up and make it work with the person you are with whole-heartedly.
There was a man in my life that I knew I could easily marry but I knew from the beginning he wasn't it, so I passed. Yeah, I'm still single but I'd rather be single and picky than with a husband I don't love. Both situations are without love, I'm just lucky enough not to have all the baggage.
Interesting topic. I too believe that everyone has a soulmate or "what-if" person. In the past I always thought that my soulmate was one of my ex-boyfriends. But communications with him over the past few years has made me say "What the f*** was I thinking?!" The person I was 15 years ago is not the person that I am today. So I had to let the thought of him being my "what-if" go. So now who is my soulmate? Dunno. Maybe it is my significant other. I don't think so but he could be. He and I have talked about that a bit. He says I am his but I couldn't definitely say that he was mine.
I kinda envy Queenester and Ms. Anonymous who have found their soulmate. Don't envy what they are going thru by not being able to be with him. But I remember that feeling of being head over heals in love with someone and wanting to be with them so bad that you were willing to do crazy stuff with/for him. After 12+ years in a committed relationship, 2 kids, 2 demanding jobs THAT feeling has faded. Love is there but the excited feeling is not
Ms. Anonymous again...I'm not saying that I'm unhappy by any stretch of the imagination. Just that routines tend to diminish the excitement that was felt in the beginning.
And for the record...I didn't get caught up into thinking that I had to get married & have children. I love my husband. We have a very good life together. And yes, my kids are VERY happy & VERY well-adjusted. I understand that the decisions I make in life now no longer affect just me. And I'm okay with being content (not unhappy) in my marriage. Sometimes I think that single people don't understand all of the intricacies that are involved in a marriage. Sure, I wonder how different my life would not have been but I would only "cash that in" if no one were to get hurt. Again - it's not all about me anymore.
Ok - This has stayed on my mind for days. I have been discussing it with everyone i run into. I do not really believe in soul mates. I believe that people are right for each other for that time in their lives. I am about to get married to a guy that i adore for many reasons - one being he has a great heart. that is important to me and now and has always been. i am not sure that he is my soul mate. i think when love is new (or unattainable) you always feel like soul mates. some of my "what-ifs" felt like soul mates when we were together. i am happy to be where i am in my life and to be the person that i am now. i had a lot of growing to do to get where i am spiritually and emotionally. and i have my "what-ifs" to thank for that. each person brings their own lesson - i needed to learn them to grow. for that moment.. they were my soul mate - sent to teach my soul something. not that all lessons are learned.. i am still growing. but i don't even want to imagine where i would be now if i were still with my "what-ifs". i would not be who i am, where i am if i had stayed with them. i am happy to have been with them but that time is over - on to the next lesson!
Oh, this is very sad to me. I know Mz Cane will probably release bodily fluids when she reads this but,I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!! I am IN LOVE with my husband. He is my soul mate, my what if, my what is, my green grass and my crab grass. He is my everything. Yeah, he gets on my LAST nerve sometimes(what man doesn't), but its OK. I know that no one is perfect, but I also know no one is my husband. Relationships are all about compromising. Bending over backwards for your mate but only if they are worth it! HAPPINESS IS NOT HAVING WHAT YOU LOVE, BUT LOVING WHAT YOU HAVE. If you are seriously thinking about a relationship with a what if and you are truly unhappy, you need to be true to yourself and your mate and end it. But be very, very careful that your mate you are leaving doesn't become your what if.
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