Charades

The 23rd of loneliness
And we don't talk
Like we used 2 do
Now it seems pretty
Strange but I'm not
Buggin' 'cause I still feel
The same yeah yeah
I'll keep giving loving
Till the day he pushes me away
Never go astray
If he knew the
Things I did he couldn't
Handle it
And I choose 2 keep him
Protected oh

- TLC "Creep"

I was having a discussion with a co-worker today. A very married, very committed, mother. She is an old pro at this marriage thing. More experienced than my five years. She is Betty Crocker to me, a regular Martha Stewart. She is a pillar in the community, a mentor on our job, the glue in her home. But no one is as perfect as they seem right? Or are they?

She is not a blog reader, so we can talk openly. I have no clue why people love to share their business with me. But, she admitted to having three affairs in her twelve years of marriage. Two with people she has known since college and one with another of our fellow co-workers. Who is really not as attractive as her husband is, Really. Her husband has also stepped out, and she knows it. They "worked through" it. She did not cheat, until she found out that he had. She has never admitted to her indiscretion, because with his confession she holds the upper hand.

Now does this mean her marriage is unhappy? Is she bored? Does she not love her husband? Why doesn't she just leave? Who knows. All I know is that she plays a charade with life. She wins the Academy Award for "Best Actress in a Homemaker Role." So if she is living this way what is she sacrificing? Besides heaven of course... She is in it for the kids and for her parents. She is doing this for her husband because she claims she could never hurt his feelings. To me she is killing herself, killing her happiness, killing her internal sunshine.

So weigh in...how long do you play a charade in a relationship? Is forever too long? Is having your cake and eating it too worth your soul? Are you cheating yourself from true happiness? I know its a lot of questions, but I am really curious what you think.

SnapShots

When I first met my SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel
I can remember that damn thing like yesterday
The way she moved reminded me of a Brown Stallion
horse with skates on smooth like a hot comb
on nappy ass hair
I walked up on her & was almost paralyzed
her neck was smelling sweeter
than a plate of yams with extra syrup
eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga
felt like I chiefed a whole O of that Presidential
My heart was beating so damn fast
never knowing this moment would bring another
life into this world
Funny how shit come together sometimes [ya dig]
One moment you frequent the booty clubs &
the next four years you & somebody's daughter
raisin' y'all own young'n now that's a beautiful thang

- Big Boi, Outkast's "SpottieOttieDopalicious"

Moments in time that you will never forget. Minutes played in slow motion. Life mirroring a John Singleton scene or the background moving slowly like a Spike Lee cut. Moments you will never forget, moments that have lead to so much more than just that brief pause in time.

More and more lately, I have been realizing that this happens so often. As I look back over the last couple years, I am able to draw quick conclusions of where it all began. I kissed him. He hugged me. I had his baby. The moment I had that first kiss, I knew from that very instant, the moment would change my life forever. Who would have thought that after this much time, that guy would still be in my life. Who would have thought those lips I used to picture talking to me over the phone line would be seen time and time again. Now on his daughter. Does he remember? Does he know he changed my life in an instant?

But what about the moments of wrongdoing? Do they play like a freeze frame as well? That first taste of Jose Cuervo sophomore year. I knew it was all downhill from there. That party, that guy, my friendship ruined... Slow motion.

I know I'm just rambling, just thinking about how unpredictable life can be. Whether its the first time you saw her. Or the way he kissed you that night. We all have had a feeling. A sensation of "this is it". Haven't we?

So weigh in...have you had an out-of-body moment? A time where for some reason, you knew you would never forget this pause in time?

Mind Clouds

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care

- Smokey Robinson and the Miracles "Tears of a Clown"

I am not always happy. Are you? I have a great husband, great kids, great parents, great home, great job. Ideally my life should be a bed of roses with the occasional thorn. I have no reason to complain, yeah I'm broke like everyone else, but I'm alive, with a family, with a job. I have breath and use it everyday. I am thankful to the Lord for opening my eyes every morning. However, through it all, some days I am unhappy, some days I am frustrated, sometimes I feel alone.

How is it possible for someone with so many friends to feel alone? Is it possible to be in the middle of the crowd but yet so far away from everyone else?

We all go through tragedies, small and large in our lives. We all have that portion of us that's not quite right. We get down for no reason. We cry when we are alone. We lash out at people. What's the problem? Who can we turn to help us? We are to ashamed to let anyone in. We want to look good for our families and friends, when truthfully we need to be leaning on them. Forever strong we think, but we are in shambles underneath. Some of us have held feelings and emotions in so much we have molded our insides. We are drenched with dark emotions and we never air ourselves out. So our insides become moldy...stagnet.

I'm not talking to you in particular, I am talking about us. I do it too, I am so guilty. When I feel this way, as if I have nothing to complain about, I keep those dark emotions in. I don't want to seem ungrateful or whiny. After I had both of my children, I had severe post-partum depression. And you know what? I am glad I went through it. It taught me how to manage my emotions, that I was not alone. It made me comfortable enough to say, "I'm not okay and I need some help". I still struggle with this. Before then I was ashamed to admit something was wrong. I blamed it on my cycle or my hunger, lol. We (black folk) never seek outside therapy, we were not raised to be "weak". We were raised to hold it in, stop complaining, pray about it, maybe talk to Pastor, and never mention it again. Don't get me wrong, prayer should be the foundation in overcoming all obstacles. But sometimes the Lord helps you through the work of others.

You have been going through this alone long enough, go get you some help...

So weigh in...why is it taboo for black folk to get help? Is geting help a sign of weakness? Does getting help take your focus from prayer? Does seeing a therapist question for faith?

Don't Date Him Girl....

Heard it all before (heard it all before)
All of ya lies, all of ya sweet talk
Baby this, Baby that
But your lies ain't working now look who's hurting now
See I had to shut you down (I had to shut you down)
Played the fool before (played the fool before)
I was your fool I believed in you
Yes I did yes I did
But your lies ain't working now look who's hurting now
See I had to shut you down (I had to shut you down)

- Sunshine Anderson "Heard It All Before"

ok, just when I thought I had seen it all. My Sassy Soror sends me this link to the craziest web site. Of course I'm going to share it with you. The website is called Don't Date Him Girl.com. It is basically a site when women can cheating men, trifling men, lying men...all kinds of no good men.

www.dontdatehimgirl.com

I must admit, I do think this is a little over the top, some of them maybe be up there for good reasons, some may be well deserved. But none of that stopped me from laughing my ass off. I mean some of the profiles had my literally crying laughing. Tears and all. And yes, I do know a person on here! Damn...I didn't know he was so trifling. You can search for men you know by name, city, or keyword!

The scary thought...what if the men come up with the same damn thing! How many of us would be up on it? HHHHMMMMMM

So weigh in...is this website fair? Did you find anyone you knew? Is there someone you might post?

The Ex Again?

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

- Lauryn Hill "The Ex-Factor"

A friend and I had a conversation about the EXs, meaning the ex-boyfriends and the ex-girlfriends. For some reason, we just couldn't see eye to eye on this issue. He told me that all ties with the Ex should be severed once you are in a new relationship. I wasn't really trying to hear that. Maybe because I've never had a bad break-up. All of my EXs and I parted on good terms. We can still carry on a cordial conversation, ask about each others' families, and one of them will even give me relationship advice every now and then. However, none of them have ever tried to come back in my life in that manner, I do not allow any of them to disrespect my husband in any way. Luckily I've never had to enforce that policy because we are all just plain cool with each other. I'm not really a second-go-round kinda girl, once you are out of my life, you are out.

So why are my feelings on this slowly changing? I have been helping out a co-worker manage her love life (why everyone comes to me with their issues I don't know). She has two major Ex-factor issues going on in her current relationship. She has been seeing this guy for about four months now and is wondering where things may go; however, she cannot stop comparing the new love to the Ex-guy, while at the same time the boyfriend's Ex-girl won't stop calling. As for her, I have to constantly remind her that her ex-boyfriend is her ex-boyfriend and not her current boy toy for a reason. Hello, wake-up...he ain't shit. He wasn't shit then, not worth shit now, won't be shit in the near future. So let him go. No matter how sexy you think he is, he still shitted on you. She is letting this man control her current relationship. All I hear is Jay didn't do this, Jay didn't do that, Jay never liked this, Jay never liked that, Jay Jay Jay. Well, wake up sister, because Jay screwed your cousin, ran up your credit card bills, and has no remorse at all. Why do you even talk to Jay anymore? He is tired and useless, don't ruin a potential good thing, still fucking around with the devil. I believe this is true lack of respect for herself and a true lack of respect for her relationship.

Now as far as her current boyfriend is concerned. His Ex-factor issues are questionable as well. His immediate ex, the one he was engaged to, won't stop calling. She blows up his cell phone day and night. But she's smooth with her shit. She has this guy believing she needs his "help" in everyday situations. And he buys it! She will call to ask what kind of oil to put in her car, since he last changed it. She will call to ask what goes on his grilled salmon, because he made the best. She will call to ask advice on her current relationship, because he knows her better than anyone. Uh Huh...save that shit. She wants him in her life and is doing a fine job keeping him there. I honestly believe that he has no idea what she is doing to him. So I asked my coworker, its kinda hard to get to know a guy, I mean really get close to him, when his ex-girlfriend is sitting on his lap huh? He needs to dissolve it and let the old flame burn out.

I really do think EXs can co-exist and be friends, as long they respect you and your current relationship. That's the key.

So weigh in...how do you dispose of an Ex? If you are friends with one, is that ok? Is it necessary to sever all ties to make a current relationship work? I want to know what all of you think about the Ex-Factor.

Realistic Promises?

Its been a long time, sorry I left you without a dope blog to post to...lol, ok I'm joking. What's been up ya'll? Its been a minute since we last talked. I got busy and a little burned out. I'm better now. I hope you all enjoyed the fourth. Smoked ya a lil drink and all that. So now, lets get to it, controversy first thing in July...

DJ won't you play this girl a love song
She really needs to hear this freakin' love song
She's lookin' at me kinda hard, I can tell that things ain't right on the home front
What she really needs is a G like me to Beat a beat, beat it, beat it

I can see how you want it baby
Wish ya man wasn't here with ya baby
I can see (ha) curiosity
Gotcha wanna try me
Homeboy can't please ya
On this wall in the open baby
You wouldn't care if the crowd was watchin' baby
you want it
I know it
Gotta notion to pull yo ass up outta here

- Jamie Foxx "DJ Play A Love Song"

I have given a lot of advice over this holiday weekend to two of my friends, both male and female. Both with the same problem. Both are in committed relationships, one married for four years and one has been with the same person over three years. For some reason, they are thinking of stepping out of those boundries. This got me thinking. I thought back to "Confessions" and all the infidelity people admitted to on that post, I thought of the Young and the Restless, I thought of Jamie Foxx singing about beating beating beating another man's girl. It made me wonder something. All this indiscretion going on, is monogamy natural?

People are living longer and longer. Which means relationships are lasting longer, marriages are making it 60 plus years now. I want to make it 62 years with the same man and sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. My great-aunt and great-uncle had been married for 62 years when he passed away. The ideal couple, deaconess and trustee in the church, grown kids and beautiful grandchildren. They partied together back in the day, the party was always over their house from what I heard. So besides my grand parents, these were my other marriage role models. That is until I found a newspaper clipping of my great-uncle laying in a pool of his own blood when he was about 40. The article read that he had been sleeping with the neighbor's wife. Now apparently the neighbor had pretended to go to work, hid in the closet instead, and waited for my uncle to arrive to bang his wife. Then shot him, cold, my uncle managed to escape, but he was shot pretty bad. I would have never suspected, nor ever known, nor never believed it if I didn't see that article with my own eyes.

Honestly, out of all my friends who are either married or in serious relationships, I would say I know for a fact that about 85% of them have cheated on their significant others. Sad huh? People who have been married for years and people who had been dating for less than a year. Over the majority of them have slept with someone else. When asked, some said it was for sex, more sex and/or better sex. Some said it was for more attention. Some were just bored and need something new to do. However, they all say they were drawn to someone else to satisfy what they were missing. Drawn to..like magnetic. My question is, so is this attraction to other folk natural? Or does this prove something is missing in the relationship?

Where does love fall into monogamy? One of my close friends has been married for years; however, she has been with another guy for a-while as well. She told me that no matter what physically happened, her love would always be monogamous. Her husband would forever have her heart. Is that possible? I mean really...if you sleep with someone long enough, won't feelings eventually come into play?

So weigh in...is monogamy natural? Is it even realistic? Do you see yourself with the same person for the rest of your life? If monogamy is not natural, what should happen then? How can you make a long-time relationship exclusive?