Dreams in Bitter-Sweet

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

- John Mayer "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

This has been a Seattle weekend here in Raleigh. Its cool, its cloudy, its rainy. A day when I should be outside, I am in, looking at the fog and rain outside. Last night I had a dream, it was a good dream. I dreamt that it was a Friday afternoon and I was sitting with my grandparents. We were having dinner. Fried fish and fried potatoes. After dinner we sat in the den and watched tv. My granmother called me into her bedroom and sat me down in the chair by the door, she said to me, "Candee, if anything should ever happen to me, make sure you come in here and get this envelope. There is money in here and I don't want anyone to get to before you do." She hugged me, and then I woke up.

Nothing in this dream is unusual, it was just like everyday life... My grandmother showed me where that envelope was a million times. And each time she told me the same thing. "If something should happen to me..." I never thought anything would ever happen to her, she was invincible. Heart Bypass...breast cancer, galdbladder removed... None of that stopped her. She has been gone two and a half years now. And I have had that dream at least 10 ten times since they have been gone.

I was incredibly close to my granparents, my dad being an only child, me being an only child, losing them was something I thought I would never recover from. My grandfather passed March 21, 2004. My grandmother passed 10 days after that on March 31, 2004. A set of grandparents gone in less than two weeks.

Back to my topic...dreams. So I am inside, because of the rain, listening to my new favorite...John Mayer (damn Dave Chappelle was on to it so long ago). And he has this song about dreams. It says "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up can be the hardest part." I never knew how true that was until today, until after that dream last night. Whether you have lost a realtive or a special friend to death. Or maybe a lover to a relationship that just didn't make it. Dreams are beautiful, happy memories. Dreams can be so life-like. Joyous times with that person you miss the most. Until they are over. Until you awake to emptiness.

Bitter-sweet. She's gone, He's gone. After you awake, John Mayer says "You roll outta bed and down on your knees, and for the moment you can hardly breathe, wondering was she really here". I can tell you of several dreams I have awaken from wondering if they were real, wondering if I call my grandparent's house, would one of them answer for their baby girl one last time.

So weigh in...dreams. Bitter-sweet instances? Visitations to let you know you will survive? A way to hold on to the ones we love once they are gone? Whether they have passed or the relationship has passed. What are these types of dreams to you?

If It Isn't Love?

I know this is a rarity, but yes...I am writing two blogs in one night. One for me, one for "the needy". I don't know why people think I have the answers, I don't know why people think I am wise beyond my years. I am just as unexperienced and clueless in the ways of the world as the next person. Maybe its just that they want your advice. Maybe its you that's wise. So on with it.

I dont love her
I tried to tell myself
But you can see it in my eyes
So dont deny
I cant fool no one else
The truth is in the tears I cry cause

If it isnt love
Why do I feel this way
Why does she stay on my mind
If it isnt love
Why does it hurt so bad
Make me feel so sad inside
Of it isnt love

I told her Id never fall in love
But now I know better

New Edition - "If It Isn't Love"

Is it in the way he kisses me? Is it that he called to ask me if I wanted something to eat on his way to see me? Maybe its the way he unconsciously holds my hand. I do wake up in the middle of the night and he has me snuggled close, he's holding me. Maybe that's it. How will in the world am I ever supposed to know how much he cares? I may never know, but it is clearly evident that I think I love him.

How do any of us know when we cross that threshold from deep infacutation to love? So many of my friends are in these "new" realtionships. They are getting to that point of confusion.

So here is when I think it happens. I think it happens when you cannot keep him off your mind. No matter what you do, you are thinking of him. Whether its been an hour or a year, is he still on your mind? It doesn't matter if she is near or a long distance love, somehow you think her touch was just on your lips. Or what about this...have you ever been working and just stopped because thoughts of him overwhelmed your mind? You smile and try to go on working, but you have to stop and call him jut to say hi. That was me. That's how I knew. Thinking of ways to see him, ducking my other commitments. Funny thing is, after all this time, I still do all these things.

Now someone else told me that you know when you are in love when you start doing dumb shit. When you break all your own rules.

So weigh in...when did you know? How do you know when you are in love? What's your experience with the "L" Word? Does it even exist anymore? Is love just a figment of our imagination?

Slow Down, This is Moving Too Fast

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

Whitney Houston - "One Moment In Time"

So its been awhile. I've missed you guys dearly. I've had so much to tell you,so much I wanted to say, just no time to do it. Maternity leave is alot different from working right at 50 hours a week. I thought I left busy season behind when I left public accounting, little did I know.

I have noticed now more than ever, that life is short. It seems like I have been living life on fast forward for the past year. I year ago next month, I became a mother for the second time. My youngest child will be one year old soon. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with my oldest. It felt like just yesterday I was dropping it like it was hot in Elm City to Luke and Two Live Crew. Where does the time go...

Everyday I come home, eat dinner, not cook dinner, because my better half cooked. I got off too late. I have a million things to do, but never get around to doing them because I fall asleep with the baby and get up at 5:25 am. I can't balance my checkbook, watch everything I have DVRed, cook a good meal, or call and catch up with some folks I miss dearly. Where is my life? I guess I could do any of those things right now, but then I would be gone away from you longer.

Of course i have time to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with snacks but here is the sad part...I have to fit Weight Watchers in over a lunch meeting and don't seem to have the 15 minutes to get me jelly ass on my elliptical machine I purchased two months ago.

So weigh in...is it just me, or does time march to a different beat when you get older? Or is it responsibilty that puts it on fast forward? Now I think about it, maybe it is correlated with billing cycles...hhhmmmm. What do you think?

Can I possible borrow some of your time? I have seemed to misplace all of mine.